Why can we butter bagels, but not cream-cheese or jelly them?

What is Twitter coming to?

I used to think it was useful, but I keep getting "follow" requests like this:

Funeral Resources?  What kind of person follows this anyway?  I can't get this picture out of my head: a paranoid person,expecting their aging parents to die at any moment, but oh thank god for microblogging, because we got dad's casket for 15% off, and wouldn't have been able to without @FuneralExpert.

Yesterday, I posted a guessing game contest.  No one guessed correctly, although the responses were fantastic.

Now, I will reveal the answer:

I spilled my breakfast, a lil cup of yogurt.  Magically, it did not land on the floor, or onto my pants or shoes, but instead on the side of the computer tower.  It was confusing and slightly gross.  I also spilled blueberries on the floor, which rolled around the office in a very pretty way.

During lunch, I dropped my salad on the floor.  I only got to eat half of it.

Two hours later, during an office birthday party, I dropped a cupcake on the floor.

I managed to make it through dinner without spilling anything, and I'm doing well so far today.

Thanks for reading this boring stuff about my clumsiness.

-C.

I think we should change the criteria for judging freestyle aerial skiing.  Shouldn't everyone get a medal for not dying or injuring their spines?  Maybe we should change the ranks to "Who-Didn't-Die the Best," "Who-Didn't-Die Almost the Best," and "Who-Didn't-Die Pretty Good."

And instead of the national anthems of their respective countries, we could play "Alive" by Pearl Jam when people don't die.

What happened to my computer tower?  You get three guesses.

O, cruel fate! The Lord hath taken Howard Zinn and JD Salinger from us, all in a 24 hour period.  This is worse than when the Lord hath taken away Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett in the same day back in June 2009.

This is all very sad. Yes, yes, people loved Catcher in the Rye, but if I wanted to read something about self-loathing, depression, and angst, I'd go back and read my livejournal entries from when I was 16.  Mark David Chapman, the man who murdered John Lennon, told the world that people would understand how he felt if only they read Catcher.

Howard Zinn, a smart man indeed, he will be missed by many.  I never read his book(s), but I suppose, like everyone else, that I will "some day."

But, can you imagine a world without RL Stine?  Mother fucking Goosebumps, dude.  You can't mess with that.  I can't think of a more influential author than RL Stine, except maybe Dan Brown, but he only influenced me to puke a little.

Look at this amazing man:

Do you think "RL" stands for "Really Lovely?"

Robert Lawrence Stine has written so many more books than Howard Zinn and JD Salinger - combined.  So who's more prolific?

Ever wonder what English sounds like to non-English speaking people?  Check out this really awesome video:

I'm getting sick of so-called clever shirts.  Some are okay, a few are really funny, but most are not really that funny.  I came across a shirt today and was like, wow, this has gone too far.  Here is what I saw:

How insulting is that?  A freaking Windows Paint drawing for $19.97 before tax?  No, thanks!

Between pseudo-cute shirts and pseudo-funny pun shirts, I made my own shirt.  I'm going to submit it to the site and maybe I'll make a thousand dollars.

 
-front-

-back-

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I'm not a huge fan of beer, but I have one every now and then.  In the summertime, I may have a Corona, but not until I've slammed a slice of lime into the bottle with my thumb.

Well, not every corona ought to have a lime in it.  The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education has recently renamed the hymen, now calling it the "vaginal corona."  The SASE purports that calling it the "vaginal corona" instead may help dispel several myths about virginity and the female reproductive system.

Well, the SASE has also helped to dispel another myth: Coronas should have limes in them.  Not here, not my corona.  As the feminist saying goes, "Keep Your Limes Off My Body."

What could possibly make cooking shows more interesting? I'll tell ya: adding your hip hop entourage around you in the kitchen. It's like The Galloping Gourment meets MTV Cribs.